I am a survivor of several abusive relationships. What I have learned is that danger signs or "red flags" can be and are often subtle and easily over looked. I decided to put together a list of red flags to help women detect a possible abusive man. I have tried to keep the list short. If you detect two or more of these personality traits, you MAY have a man with control issues and the potential for an abusive relationship.
But first I ask you to ask yourself what you would consider abuse? This is very important because you have to understand that a man does not have to strike you for him to be abusive. I know that over the years our awareness of this issue has come a long way, but I still hear women say," well he doesn't hit me".There are still women out there who need to change their definition of abuse. Men who always need to be in control are abusive,and it may never escalate to a physical abuse. however I believe the potential is always there. You have to understand that a person who has an abscission with controlling another is not mentally or emotionally healthy and you can not fix them!
This type of man is most often very, very, charming. He has the ability to hide his need for control early in the relationship. He does not want to loose what he hopes to possess.
1. Is he over the top, sickening nice to your family and friends? This is one of the most often missed and one of the most important signs. He is building his defense. So is later on you decide to confide in your friends they will find it hard to believe you. You may here them say something like,"he is always so very nice and respectful".
2. Is he jealous of the time you spend with your friends and family?
Jealousy will ALWAYS = ANGER.
3. Does he call you two, three, or four times a day wondering what you are doing?
4. Does he call other women names? Such as calling them a "bitch", or put them down? If so, they will most often be strong women, in position of status or power. Women whom other women will admire for their success and strength. They may accuse them of being gay, or that they hate men, or use the term "ball buster".
5. Does he want to know where you all the time? Do you find yourself having to explain why you were late getting home from work?
6. If he gets mad is it always the fault of someone else? This is important because someone who has anger issues will most often never take responsibility for it. It is always the other persons fault because of something they have done or said.
7. Does he call you names? Does he imply that you are stupid?
8. What is his fathers feeling about women. If his father has anger issues toward women it is a good chance his son or son's will as well.
9. Does he seem to have a need to control the money? Does he want all the bills in his name alone?
10. Does he monitor your mail, your computer, your e mail, you phone calls?
When you enter into a relationship with a abusive man, over time your life becomes his. You will find that he has manipulated you life and money into his control. It is a slow process and a slow death. Your life and interest begin to fade. You will find your self always thinking about what will piss him off and how to avoid doing so. You wake up one day and realize that you have not friends, you have no other couples to do any thing with.
Many abusive men will want their wives to not work, but then be angry at you if there are money problems. He may discourage you from going back to school, trying to better yourself in any way. After all, a better education = more money = more freedom = more control over your own life. To a abusive and controlling man this is his biggest fear and threat.
What puts you in danger is control = resentment = anger = hate
A person will always end up hating the person they are trying to control. How can you enjoy your life when you have another person that you have to watch and control all the time. You can't leave them alone for a min, they might do something you don't want them to do. YES IT IS INSANE!
My personal advice for all women:
Take the time to make a list of your life goals and the things you love to do.What part of your life really reflects who you are and are important to you. Make a list of things you love to do. Whats makes you happy>
Keep this list where you can see it every day. If your relationship is whipping out your list, you have a problem and it is time to get out.
5 years ago